This is going to be the wordiest post I’ve written to date on any of my sites. And also the most personal. *sigh* Grab a glass of wine (or whatever you wish) and hunker down for a few—or read the next paragraph for the short version.
Life has changed a LOT in the past few months and I need a break. December and January (and possibly February) are being slated for this as well as to catch up on reading, reviewing, writing, and living. I’m still here, just in a limited capacity for a bit.
Some of you know that I’ve managed a band for the past three and a half years. Most of those weekends (and some weeks!) were filled with lots of driving, lots of people, packing a backpack for an overnight stay in a faraway town, lots of hurry up and wait, little sleep, and some of my closest friends. My best friends. In September, my boys played their last public show together. If we’re friends on Facebook, you can probably see tagged pics of me and our friends after some crying fits that night, puffy face and all. (I’m owning these pics, no judgement. It’s all about the memories.) By the time this post goes live, it will have been TEN WEEKS since I’ve seen them. And it still hurts. I cried for days after that show and I HATE CRYING. With a passion. I’m tearing up as I type this at work. (Shh don’t tell.)
Around the same time the announcement was made about the band, some personal/family things happened that made the (most definitely amicable) band split that much harder. I lost part of my blood family (they’re still alive, but we don’t communicate anymore) and my chosen family at the same time. How does one deal with that? Add on an anxiety issue that I never really wanted to admit I had. I knew I had issues with lots of people in small spaces, but never fully took the time to make sense of it. The past year has shown me that I need to look into that. The past couple of months have been slightly scary. For a week, my anxiety was so bad that just thinking about leaving my apartment made my chest tighten up. There was never any pain and it didn’t last long, it was just…weird. Sleeping or focusing on other things helped calm me. So that’s what I did. And I asked my amazing chiropractor what to do. Her suggestion was to reduce my stress. I’ve had a lot of it lately.
I should back up a bit and add that almost two years ago, I started my book review blog, which I love, but is very sad at the moment. A year and a half ago, I started Bliss with a friend. Bliss was never supposed to be just me, but it has been for over a year. I have a hard time saying no when someone asks for help. So I didn’t. There were weeks (still are) where sleep was minimal or lacking altogether. I also have big ideas. Ideas so big that really, Bliss would be a full time company for a great team of people. I would get so excited about a new idea that other ideas and projects suffered. I’m a creative. That happens. But trying to create new services and blog post series and training materials and printables for authors made my head spin because IWANTITALLDONERIGHTNOW and obviously, I wasn’t able to do that. *breathe*
In addition to the blog and biz, I want to write. Oh man, do I want to write. I want to help others succeed in their writing and I want to write my own stories. I have SO MANY started. It literally makes me twitchy when I get an idea and can’t go write 1,000 words immediately. Is that how all authors feel? Please tell me that’s normal!
As I sit here and write this post, my chest is doing it’s funny feeling tightening thing again. At least I know why. I’m afraid. Afraid that some will judge. Afraid that when I do come back “new and improved”–or maybe said better as “relaxed and ready to rock!”–that I’ll have missed out on things. Things that I’ve had in my head for a year. Afraid that my original dream will be forgotten, or even worse, that I will. Deep down, I know that’s not going to happen. I won’t let it. *evil smile*
Have I mentioned yet that I also work full time? And that my job is stressful? All of these things have taken their toll. I’m officially broken and I need to take time to heal. I’m finally allowing myself that time. I’ll be hibernating for the winter as far as the business side of things goes. My plan for the next couple of months is to sleep(!!!), catch up on my massive TBR list and reviews, write, and work with a few of my author friends to keep my creative mind going so I don’t go nuts. I’m in the process of combining three websites (blog, biz, and author). I’ve got a list of Christmas presents that need to be crocheted and an apartment that needs to be cleaned. Maybe I’ll even take my Christmas decorations down for the first time in three Christmases. Wouldn’t that be weird?! Most importantly though, I
want need to find me again.
If your eyes haven’t crossed yet from the lack of visuals and you’re still here, thank you. Thank you for your unending support. Thank you ALL for giving some chick from Minnesota a chance to be part of your life, however that may be. It’s time to jet. I’m starving and need to find sustenance and I really don’t want to cry…again.